Ok, So, this one is a hard one. I want to tell my entire process of getting to where I am in the peace corps process. This photo next to the post was taken exactly a year ago when I accepted my Position to be a Health Volunteer in Benin. And today I am *checks countdown* 21 days until I leave for Senegal to be a Community Health Advocate. So the question is “How did I get here?”
I applied for Peace Corps on January 1st 2018 to volunteer in the Health Sector. For your application you can be really specific in where you apply or very vague, I did a little of both. I wanted to do something relating to Health but I wanted to send in my qualifications and have Peace Corps decide where I was best fit. I wanted to go somewhere that I would be actually helpful. So I left the country part blank. Because of that and I have one and half years of French in my back pocket I was up for a position in Benin. I actually don’t remember what my job was specifically, but I remember getting nervous. I had my interview and I was so nervous about it. I was also taking new Anxiety medication that was not letting me sleep. So a tired nervous girl doing an interview was a stressful thing. I practiced my questions that the Peace Corps gives you and I felt prepared. However I didn’t feel I met the language requirement that they were looking for so I thought I didn’t get it.
Then two days later I got the acceptance letter.
Peace Corps gives you three days to respond. I was not expecting this response so I had no idea that I was needing to make a decision for the next two years of my life. I talked to my parents and everyone I knew and they were all saying three days is not enough. I even emailed the recruiter who emailed me and was like “are you sure?” and he called me saying yeah we are, but I know it is a lot, we will give you a week to decide. I cried and laughed I got excited and my family did the same. I could not find a reason why I shouldn’t do it other than honestly I didn’t know Benin was a country until I was asked for an interview. So after A LOT of deliberation I accepted. My parents were nervous and excited and worried about the separation for two years. I was a Peace Corps Acceptee.
Next came all the clearances that I was just breezing through and getting done. Made a million doctor’s appointments on my campus because I could go to my home doctor. Went to the court house to get my visa and passport application approved. Just carrying on telling everyone I was heading to Benin in September.
And then a hiccup. The Medical Team wanted to know more about my mental health. I honestly didn’t think much of it because it was "my thing" for my whole life, I hadn’t noticed it being an issue. Extra forms needed to be filled out so had an on campus nurse just do a quick check. Again just breezing through.
Then I wasn’t given medical clearance
– The reasoning is because I started new medication for my anxiety and PC wants at least a year on or off medication to see if there are any side effects. And I was in shock. I did not see my anxiety as this huge hindrance, in fact I had more calm than ever before because I was graduating, I had a job lined up after college unlike other college students, I knew coping strategies, I knew about culture shock, I knew that mental health should not have a huge stigma against it, I knew how to take care of myself for my whole life, so why was it an issue now?
I asked to get an appeal and thus began the month long appeal process. I asked the on campus nurse to re-evaluate me and she said “you need to learn how to control your emotions” and I was frustrated that a mental health medical nurse said this to me. I asked to meet up with my at home doctor and because my primary doctor is not a mental health professional she wanted someone in the psychology department to evaluate me as well. Which did not make me feel comforted at all. They wrote notes for me and even the therapist that I hadn’t seen in a couple months did as well. They were all so helpful and I submitted it all with my statement and tried to gussy it up from my boss and professor that I had worked with.
Because none of this changed their rule of “on or off medication for a year before you serve” I was not cleared to serve.
It was a devastating thing to hear.
I am deemed as not "mentally stable" for something that I have managed my entire life
It took a while but, I understand the decision, I mean, honestly mental illness is probably the top reason as to why people leave service early and they are just trying to invest their time in people who are reported as more “reliable.” But it was incredible frustrating and heart breaking.
I asked the medical team if it was possible for me to be a member at the beginning of the next year and they said as long as you follow these guidelines you are more than welcome to re-apply. That was hopeful and good to hear, not a complete fix but as close as I could get at the moment.
So, I graduated university got a Job at a great Clinic as a Physical Therapy Aid and made plans to visit my friends in Florida and France, things that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I left in September for Benin. But when that February-June departure application came along I was ready to re-submit. I had not given up.
Once again I got through everything, and I knew what to expect because I had been there before. However the dreaded mental health evaluation scared the bajeezus out of me. It took me so long to fill it out because I kept on thinking that it could all happen again, I didn’t want to get my hopes up and then have them crushed all over again. I looked every answer with a fine tooth comb to identify what could ever be a hiccup in my clearance. And I turned it in a week before the deadline (you have 3 months to complete it) and I just had to wait, I had no idea how long, but every hour felt like a week. But I think it was about 4 days after I submitted it that I got the “CONGRATULATIONS”
I saw that I had an email one afternoon at work, and no one at work knew that I was going through this so I went to the restroom and just read the email over and over again texted everyone who helped me through this process and I was crying. I cried and had to leave the restroom like nothing had even changed, but everything had.
Now I am here 21 days before I leave for my new area in Senegal with my new position as Community Health Support Agent. When I look back it was for sure frustrating and stressful and disappointing and that is important to acknowledge, it was also wonderful in getting experience in the field that I want to someday join, visit my friends and spend time with my family. I realize now that I was falling into my typical self of putting my feelings to the side when I see a concern ahead of me. I tend to push my emotions aside when I see there is a need for help, then I deal with myself later. I believe I was prepared to leave in September, but now I know I am for sure prepared for this emotionally to leave at the end of February.
My anxiety is a part of me and I am not ashamed of it, I also live on a spectrum so everyone’s relationship with it is different. I want to serve in the Peace Corps and that anxiety is hitching a ride with me
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